Avoiding Sexual Intimacy
So here’s a recent question that has been posed to me, “I am wondering if you think avoiding sexual intimacy after the discovery of my partner’s pornography involvement is a good idea?
Okay readers of my blog, what think ye?
There is no easy answer to this question. Here’s a few questions I would want to ask as a follow up to this question.
- Have there been other sexual behaviors outside of the relationship? (If yes, I would have your partner checked for STD’s before I would be sexually intimate)
- How are you doing emotionally? My research with more than 400 women is pretty clear that relationship trauma is common after the discovery of a partner’s involvement in pornography. As a result sexual intimacy can trigger a lot of emotional pain in women. They often fear that if they are not sexual their partner will keep acting out. As a result some women feel like they need to be more sexual–(just a side note here: Being more sexual with your partner rarely changes their behavior if they are indeed addicted to pornography). It is important to trust your own instincts in this area. If sex is creating more pain for you, I recommend that you be open and honest with your partner about your feelings. (Most couples struggle to reconnect sexually after pornography involvement has been discovered). If you want to explore how pornography is influencing your sexual relationship you can take the following quiz:
- How is your partner dealing with your discovery? Does he/she want to stop? Are they open to talking with you? Are they blaming you for their behavior? Do they hide their behavior? My experience as been that that if a partner is openly talking about their involvement and are trying to stop sexual intimacy is a lot easier. It is more difficult when denial and blame are present.
These are just a few of my thoughts. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on this.
I have one more question to everyone whose partner has been involved: After discovering your partner’s involvement in pornography how long did you take before becoming sexually intimate with your partner?
Thanks for the good question.